From my journal, almost a week ago....
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Sometimes, God treads lightly by.
His footsteps may be silent at times, but they are always deep.
He passed by this evening. I saw His eternal gaze in the glance of a fellow mother.
At first I did not recognize her, for her head was bent downwards, golden hair
cascading like sunlight. I saw the baby girl first, clutched in her mother's arm, facing outward so that I could see her tiny, perfect features, with cherub-cheeks and dusting of gold on her head, like a halo. Her contended eyes appeared blue, like deep pools of wisdom.
The mother's other hand gently grasped her other golden daughter's hand with love as they processed back down the aisle.
The mother had just received Jesus, our Savior, in Holy Communion.
At the time, just before I saw the golden group, my heart had been in turmoil. I fervently prayed in the pew that my soul might be made ready to receive it's King. His mother was there,
with a broom, and she vigorously swept my poor temple, just as she had swept their home in Nazareth. "Lord, please help me to receive You just a little like Mary did at the Annunciation, and please allow her to help me say with her, 'Let it be done unto me, according to Thy Word.'
Lord, I am not worthy that You should come under my roof... but, just say the word, and my soul shall be healed. Amen. "
There were dust and cobwebs everywhere, it seemed, and they had to go! The King was coming!
The dirt wasn't too ground-in, as far as I could tell anyway, so it could just be swept out, rather than scrubbed out (with the cleansing of the Sacrament of Confession). But, it definately needed a thorough sweeping.
That brings me back to the turmoil. I was feeling absent of any consolations. "If only we could sit together as a family." "We must be doing something so wrong if our daughter is behaving so badly," I muttered in my mind. "Those people in front of us must be so annoyed with us.. look how they're glancing back and whispering to each other.... must be about our distraction," was one of the negative assumptions ricocheting through my fragile mind.
The Lord would later thump me gently on the head, in loving correction, when the couple warmly turned to me at the "Peace be with you," graciously extending their hands, and smiles, even to our baby boy.
The old man would later even comment, "Cute baby."
The Lord was humbling me. I needed it...
Especially in preparation for receiving Him fully... the throne of my heart needed a polishing before the King of kings could have a seat there. He would be bring His gifts to my soul when He came for His brief visit. I wanted to be ready to receive Him fully- and to graciously accept the gifts of His Sacred Heart. And then, despite the brevity of His physical visit, I could humbly request, with confidence, "Stay with me, oh Lord" and He would. One of those gifts would be the courage to go forward, knowing, like St. Paul, that "it is not I who live, but Christ in me."
And part of what made me finally ready to receive the King tonight was the golden group as they processed back down the aisle, the mother having just received our King, and His light beamed out from her face- as if she were a stained glass window, letting God's glory shine through, to warm my spirit.
Before I realized who she was, I could see only her children. She looked at them too.
Then, with a flash of golden sunlight, she lifted her face, and it was the face of an angel.
We recognized each other then and her smile filled her features with the warmth of God, Who reposed in the throne of her heart.
It was only a glance, but contained in that glance was eternity... and all the joy of Heaven.
It's amazing how such little things, done with much love, can affect an eternal soul.
I had felt like a gloomy, gray cloud was hanging low over my head, about to burst into tempest.
But then, a sudden shaft of Sonlight bursts through the cloud.... the light was warm and beautiful.
And then, I looked at our baby, and his big sister beside him, and I thought of the other two out in the vestibule with Daddy.
And I thought of many things.... all the beautiful, warm, and sunny moments since their births... bright-eyed smiles... tight hugs... whispers of "Mommy, I love you."..... carefully made gifts of fresh lilacs taped to green construction paper.... all the gifts they had each brought with the gifts of themselves.
I thought of their births. I thought of how tenderly each gift had been unwrapped when they were born... they had always been there the previous nine months, just hidden. When they were born, we finally got to see each precious gift and creation of God... unique creations which He made in His own Image.
I looked at the children.
As I got up from the pew, ready at last to run to our King, our baby clutched in my arm and my hand gently grasping his sister's hand, I knew I was ready.
As we processed down the aisle to greet our Royal Redeemer, I looked down at the baby and his sister. And I carried the others in my heart. I thanked the King for them and for their Daddy.
And then, just a few steps later, my poor heart became a throne for the King of Mercy.
The moment was warm and beautiful.
It was golden.
"Soul of my Savior, sanctify my breast.
Body of Jesus, be Thou my saving Guest.....
....Deep in Thy Wounds, Lord, hide and shelter me.
So that I may never, ever part from Thee. " Amen.
